Waiting to Hatch

Here goes...

This blog is mainly just to say a lot of things that I've been thinking/ give explanations for some of my shorts answers to the question, "how are you doing?" And the reason my answers have been so short is because I've been so busy. I know all college students are busy, but even the girls on my hall complain that I'm never around, and I live with them. (But I have been trying to be around more lately because the girls on my hall are absolutely amazing :D ) On the actual question of how I'm doing. It's a complicated answer. First of all, I love Furman. I'm so glad I am going to school here. It is an absolutely beautiful camps. I get to watch a sunset over a lake backed by mountains almost every day. And God has placed some wonderful people in my life that I'm so excited to just keep getting to know better and better. It is really hard. I mean, it ranked #37 on U.S. News' list of best liberal arts colleges in the nation (there are 266 total..oh and Wofford is #59... I couldn't resist). But it's a great school and I'm very happy with my choice. The violin part of me isn't as happy, but that's really personal/if you don't play an instrument you might not understand. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. That's all I'll say on that for now. Now to the real heart of the story. My spirituality. Intelectually, it has grown a ton. I'm in a program called Exploration of Voacational Ministries, or EVM, that has stretched and pulled my mind a lot. Some issues that I had just decided I wasn't going to deal with thinking about anymore because they were too painful have resurfaced and actually have had some positive directing to clarity. But my personal relational side of my faith has suffered, and tonight I was finally able to pinpoint a couple of reasons why. The first has been a lack of accountability. I was in a discipleship group for 7 years. That group meant so much to me and provided almost constant accountability for most of high school. I guess I didn't really think that I would have to go find that once I got to Furman. I've also yet to find my groove of growth. (alliteration!) Something that's really important to me is worshiping God. I love to sing. Most people back home probably think I'm at Furman to sing rather than play the violin. I love just losing myself in a song and finding who I want to be in God's arms and beauty. And I got to do that a lot back home. Sadly, that has only really happened once or twice since I've been at Furman. Due to some changes in the way things are run and just my crazy schedule I haven't been able to experience that as much. I know there are other ways to worship God, but let's be honest, I'm human and singing in a group of people with a guitar or something is my favorite. I went to an FCA worship thing on the chapel steps tonight on a whim. I've never gone to anything FCA or had really planned on it, but I did with a couple of friends. In the midst of all the float building we had a worship service on the steps of the chapel and it was beautiful. I was able to reach that special connection with God again. It's like my little special secret with God...except not because lots of people like to sing, but you know what I mean. And we had a prayer time that was great and helpful. Another reason I've been struggling a little bit is because friendships change. When I started college, I felt a little like I'd been thrown out into the ocean and I tried to use some of my friends here at Furman and nearby and not so nearby as life support. You can't keep all your friendships in perfect condition. I feel like I've been learning this for the past 6 months but it's kind of important to learn I guess, no matter how painful that lesson can be. Please, don't read this as I've lost all my friends. That's definitely not true. I have some incredible friends, new and old. But like I said, sometimes things change and when you're trying to adjust to lots of new things, comfortable things changing knocks the wind out of you. Because of that I didn't want to deal with stuff. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts, I didn't want to sit down and pray to try and sort stuff out or figure out what God wanted with all this changing, I just wanted to pretend that nothing had changed. I felt like moving out of my house and having all the responsibilities and meeting new people was change enough. But even with all this change, God blessed me even though I did nothing to deserve it. I know this blog is really personal and I kind of feel like I've just spilled a good portion of me out on a table for everyone to see. But I guess this is my way of being honest with myself. I sometimes can't believe or comprehend something unless I tell someone else. Tonight at that worship service I was broken before God, and that's exactly what I needed and wanted. When I left I kept thinking, "Ok, Shari, what are you going to do to not just let this be a temporary emotional high." So I guess this is what I'm doing for that. I want to add that I don't want anyone to think I'm unhappy. I'm actually really really happy. I've kind of surprised myself at how happy I've been with my stress level, but yes I am really happy. I'm just basically saying it's time to suck it up and officially adjust and get some things back to where they need to be. Wow, this was long. If you made it this far, I applaud you, haha.

posted by Shari @ 8:52 PM